| LJ Idol: Topic 4 - Sexual Ethics |
[Tuesday
November 10th, 2009; 9:53pm] |
I'm a virgin. A virgin who hasn't even been kissed. There, I said it. Needless to say, whenever I watch Never Been Kissed, I sit wherever I am and cry a bit on the inside as I am my own Josie Grossie.
Being a virgin at the ripe age of twenty is something that is becoming less and less common. And it sucks. It doesn't suck because I am in the minority and in turn am seen as a leper of sorts by the male species (no really, it's fine...), but because the sanctity of an intact hymen no longer exists. I personally love that my body is still my (and mine only) rotund, scarred, and freckled temple.
But as I get older, I feel the impatience inside of me muster up. I notice my sudden loss of breath whenever I see two people kiss, be it in person or on TV. I sit and think about what it's going to be like when the time does come and I have to tell this man that I've never had a sexual encounter before and he looks at me as if I have ten heads and he thinks about all the partners he has had and how he's only deflowered one girl before in her lifetime because none of us is a virgin anymore so all the girls he's had sex with before have had experience and...
I need to catch my breath.
With the matter that I haven't had my first kiss... that's a whole other story. It's kind of pathetic actually. I feel like the ugliest girl in the world some days, both inside and out, because nobody has ever taken a liking to me. Well, except that one time where I turned down a lusty make-out session with this boy in my basement. But the circumstances were complicated and over my head! I couldn't without feeling an eternity of guilt in the pits of my soul! Come on, you'd do the same thing if you were in my position!
Excuses, excuses. (Though I'm actually really relieved that I didn't do it as the situation was actually, legitimately REALLY fucking complicated... oy vey.)
I'm always making excuses for myself as to why I haven't found someone, even if it's someone to just hook up with. At first it was because there weren't any worthy guys in my high school. Then it was because there weren't any worthy guys in my university. Then it was because there weren't any worthy guys at work... see a pattern here? Then I started convincing myself that I didn't believe in sex before marriage. "THOU CHERRY SHALLN'T BE POPPED UNTIL THY HAS WORN THE SACRED DRESS OF MATRIMONY. Kaella 52:89" I felt as though I needed to make up a rapid fire answer to the question, "Why are you still a virgin?" in case my friends decided to turn into little Alex Trebeks and quiz me at a moment's notice.
But you know what? I don't need an excuse for why I am the way that I am. Sure, I wish that someone would just lay one on me (as I am my only friend who hasn't been kissed... go figure). And yeah, it would be nice to get the painful and awkward exchange of bodily fluids (not via the mouth, ahem ahem) over with before everything closes up down there. Only time will tell. It'll happen when it happens. Que sera, sera. But when it does, I can finally scream at the top of my lungs in the most triumphant manner...
I'M NOT JOSIE GROSSIE ANYMORE!
Note: For those of you who have never seen Never Been Kissed, it is about a woman named Josie Geller who is 25-years-old and who, naturally, has never been kissed. She works as a copy editor for the Chicago Sun Times and is chosen to go undercover to write a story about teenagers of that time (1999). She gets the chance to be 17 again and relive her senior year, as hers was filled with torment (her classmates used to call her Josie Grossie). But she finds herself in the same position she was in eight years ago as she has no idea how to interact with the students. Her brother, Rob, helps her find herself and realize that she's not Josie Grossie anymore. One of the defining moments of the movie is when she and Rob are having a conversation about it and he tells her to say it ("I'm not Josie Grossie anymore"). She says it quietly at first and then exclaims it at the top of her lungs. Hence, my ending. :)
|
|
|
| 6 Months 2 Weeks |
[Monday
November 9th, 2009; 2:40pm] |
       
I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds.
But it’s killing me to see you go after all this time.
Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Music starts playin’ like the end of a sad movie,
It’s the kinda ending you don’t really wanna see.
Cause it’s tragedy and it’ll only bring you down,
Now I don’t know what to be without you around.
And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.
Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesn’t work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.
And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.
It’s two a.m.
Feelin' like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know it’s not easy,
Easy for me.
It’s two a.m.
Feelin’ like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know this ain’t easy,
Easy for me.
And we know it’s never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
Ohhh
I can’t,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.
|
|
|
| Happy :) |
[Thursday
November 5th, 2009; 7:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 relaxed |
] |
I'm sitting on Skye's porch, loving every chilly minute.
I have to cherish and appreciate the weather while I can.
It makes me happy :D
I'm working at her shop till Saturday with Judy.
Which is all sorts of win.
She's fantastic.
And I love the shop.
Wednesday is my 21st Birthday :DDDD
EPIC AWESOME.
Mom and I are going to Disney, cause I get free admission on my birthday.
We went last year too, and it was awesome.
So I'm stoked.
Boo should be here on Friday.
We may go to the SHS football game.
Since it's the last one of the season.
And I want to show him off <3
Sooo happyyyy.
|
|
|
| I've got a job!!!!!!! |
[Wednesday
November 4th, 2009; 7:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
Student adviser in a college. Full-time, decent money, even a pension :p
Yay :D
|
|
|
| I HOPE THAT YOU WOULD DO THIS FOR ME |
[Tuesday
November 3rd, 2009; 11:46am] |
Got a new pen pal, trying to get away for a week or two. I want to travel just a little. I know I can afford to, however I kind of really wanted to buy everyone a trillion gifts for the holidays. I know this isn't that important, but I've never got to. So I wanna. Ugh.
My coworkers, let me tell you a little about them; Coworker 1) Loves Hannah Montana. Talks about Hannah Montana frequently and gets disappointed when no one can discuss it with her. She also loves to watch Dawson's Creek at her desk and openly cry while watching it. I've never watched this show, apparently it is very emotional. Coworker 2) She is russian, or polish? I don't know. She talks about polish things a lot, but I believe when she was introduced to me she was "the russian girl," idk. She's maybe in her mid 30's. She has a baby & a husband. She takes most things very seriously, but she makes realllly good jokes. Meaning they're bad jokes, so you can't help but laugh. She has an accent. Not a Natash & Boris accent, but one that makes you listen carefully. She has the best laugh she just repeats the same sound again and again when laughing and its like a "huh" a huh from the bottom of her belly. So when she laughs at her bad jokes its like "huh, huh, huh, huh" Coworker 3) is very quiet and tries to get everyone to give her money for her kids many many fundraisers. She likes to tell us to give her our returnables, go to papa john's on a certain day, visit steak & shake and say her kids name when you're there, purchase wendy's coupons from her. I probably like her the best. I have another coworker but she is too much like me to talk about. She just likes everyone but hates when any of us talk to her.
Anyway, I'm at work here all day every day. Atleast I get paid for playing livejournal.
I've been listening to Daisy all day, I'm ninety percent sure everyone can hear it through my headphones, they're not interested. But whatever. I'm in love.
<3<3<3
Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold
Some die looking for a hand to hold
|
|
|
| LJ Idol: Topic 3 - Smile |
[Monday
November 2nd, 2009; 11:38pm] |
They've only gotten worse with age. My teeth, that is.
When I was a baby, my mother would give me a bottle with sugary juice while I slept. After years, it rotted my two front teeth. They grew in, but were what I called "chips" - little discolored tooth fragments that often resulted in stares and questions concerning the whereabouts of my two front teeth, as if they had hopped a transcontinental flight and would be back in a week. However, the lack of their existance never stopped me from smiling wide - my first grade class picture displays my exuberant grin that I bore proudly.
Finally, my chips fell out and two strong teeth pushed their way through my red, swollen gums. I was so excited - I could finally display my smile proudly, even if the new teeth were a little bucked. White and new, my teeth were shown in every picture. Pictures from my childhood display a seemingly happier me, which makes me yearn for what was instead of what is. And then they started falling out.
There were no abnormalities with the tooth loss - it was just basic childhood timing. However, my mouth was so small that bigger adult teeth just couldn't fit in there. I even had four teeth extracted in the third grade - two were dead and two were cracked. I was awake for the entire procedure. I distinctly remember sitting in the waiting room at Children's Hospital, getting injected with Novocain, hearing and feeling the dentist cracking my teeth to take them out. I remember the pain that I endured, the bloody gauze that made me gag, and the salt water that I was forced to gurgle to heal the wounds without infection. I truly believe that that point in my life started the hate/hate relationship my teeth and I had.
New teeth grew in, but I refused to take care of them. I hated brushing them and thus hated visiting the dentist for fear of the question, "How many times a day do you brush?" My social anxiety started early. When I had to go, I would lie and say 3 when we all knew the answer was 1, if that. My trips to the dentist stopped for years. When I was finally dragged there as a pre-teen, the suggestion of orthodontic work was the hot topic on several occasions. My mouth was just too crowded. However, my single mother couldn't afford what insurance wouldn't cover. Without braces, my teeth were monstrous, crooked atrocities. And thus, the closed mouth smiles began.
I haven't smiled with my teeth intentionally until this past Saturday. But at this time, I realized that I didn't know how to do it. On that night, I was able to learn a vast amount of sign language dressed as a kitty cat from a group of deaf strangers in the City Walk Starbucks located in Orlando, Florida where I am currently on vacation, refusing to take a bye and instead writing this entry on my iPhone. But I couldn't teach myself how to smile with my teeth. But when my new buddy Golfo signed to me that I looked sad and angry when I smiled without my teeth, I forced myself to smile wide for him. Or, I tried to. And despite my yellowed, crooked, undersized teeth, I looked as happy as I did when I wasn't too self-conscious to smile wide.
Despite my insecurity, I truly felt wonderful.
|
|
|
|
[Friday
October 30th, 2009; 12:49am] |
And ok fine, yes, it was nice to not have to think for a change.
But who wants someone that doesn't think?
Look! And sometimes you laugh when I cry,
and you say "huh" when I make perfect sense.
|
|
|
| yet another Star Trek icon dump |
[Thursday
October 29th, 2009; 2:38am] |
Okay so as soon as I saw these screen caps from the Star Trek behind the scenes stuff I knew I HAD to make icons. Instead of going to bed at a (marginally) reasonable time, I decided to stay up and make icons. They're not the best TBH cause I pretty much just cropped the images and made them clearer, but I like a couple of em. Bwaaah I need more icon space. Credit me if for some reason you use em.
( lots of bones and kirk under this cut. 26 in all )
|
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
naked_peekaboo's Friends Page
